Am I a fraud?
I pose this as a hypothetical question..
Intellectually, in my thoughts, in my knowledge, I know that I am not.
Over the last few weeks in particular I have witnessed a mountain of information to ‘prove’ I am the real deal; a genuine, altruistic, well received, articulate and effective spiritual and emotional mentor.
“We have been so different. It’s like you hit a reset button. I honestly can’t praise you enough for what you have done for us’ I received this message from a client I spoke with last week. Amazing feedback and all I can think is ‘fooled her then!’
“I spoke with 3 therapists who are listed on Bupa and none of them bring to the table what you bring to the table '' Again, beautiful to receive...fooled him too!
“I’m in a really good place now Kev, I really feel like you showed me how to work with my demons rather than fighting against them” Yip, you guessed it, fooled him too!
“Have a great weekend Kev, thanks to you I am really starting to know my worth” There’s another sucker I’ve fooled!
I am currently at the certification stage of being awarded the status of Professional Practitioner of Compassionate Inquiry and several of my colleagues have said things like “You are the go to guy when I am struggling with my practice” and “you are a natural at this and I always feel very safe in your presence and under your direction”. Another colleague said “I’m really looking forward to the time when I am as comfortable as you during my compassionate inquiry sessions” Seems to me that I have all these people fooled too.
Recently I was asked by a great friend of mine Damian Campell to speak to JP and Sean from Core Concept. JP and Sean are both really cool, intelligent guys who help organisations develop their ‘organisational culture’. I love their work and can see that they are at the top of their game. We met for coffee and chatted for 3 hours. We talked about their business aspirations, their path to where they are at right now. We talked about the difficulties of entrepreneurship and self employment. Then as we got comfortable with each other we started talking about spirituality and our spiritual practice, Brahman, The Bhagavad Gita, Buddhism, meditation, emotions and emotional triggers, Gabor Mate, Simon Sinek, Peter Levine and other authors. I was in my element, loving every minute of their company and conversation and I am well enough versed in the areas of body language, breathing and eye contact etc to see that, they too, were enthralled by me and what I had to say. Still, there it was, the voice inside my head and that feeling in my gut..”You’ve these boys fooled too, one of these days, one of these people are going to suss you out and reveal you as an impostor”
Then just yesterday I was out for tea and conversation with two guys I hold in very high regard; James Perry and Martin Gilchrist. Again, the conversation was magical. They both said that they loved hearing my thoughts on the things we were chatting about. If I’m not mistaken James said that I was the only person he would seek out to have emotional and spiritual conversations with. When I explained to them how I was feeling over the last few weeks and revealed my inner vulnerabilities they were surprised to say the least. I had them fooled too, said the voice in my head..
I have a beautiful wife; intelligent, talented, creative, a great homemaker, decision taker and mother. I have, and I say this modestly, two of the most beautiful young girls I have ever met as my children; they do exceptionally well at school, they are musically talented, sporty, caring, generous and fantastic company. I hope you get the chance to meet my family one day - everyone should, they are amazing and I know they love me but sometimes I’m not so sure that they even like me.
Thank you, you’ve read this far, you must be interested in the content of the writing and, I suppose, to some degree, in me.
Why, why the bloody hell am I telling you all this? Where am I even going? Well, firstly I wanted to reveal myself and to share that experience, the experience of being me with anyone who may take some resolve from it. It’s not always easy just being yourself..so many demons, so many triggers..
I’ve read, searched, researched, felt and listened enough to know that as I move to really being me, really showing who I am that it scares the absolute fuck out of me! I spoke with my Buddhist teacher, Chitta, the residing Buddhist nun at the Kadampa Buddhist Centre in Belfast and talked to her about standing so close to the edge of my own realisation that I was petrified..What if I did become myself, what if I did allow myself to be all the things I know I am. What if I just let go and know that I am, what if I surrender to that, what if I drop the mask and reveal that I am just ‘that’? Once I’ve done that, I can’t go back. Have you ever tried to put toothpaste back in the tube after you’ve squeezed too much out? It’s pretty much impossible and that voice I’m hearing is my ego holding on to the last drop of security it has. That voice I hear, that fear of being exposed is just a manifestation of my ego frantically trying to keep the top on the toothpaste tube as my true essence looks to squeeze itself out into the world.
Through these words, I am making a statement to myself and that statement is that I am. All I am is ‘I am’ and by only being what I am I can hopefully use my skills, qualities and presence to help others to be what they are.
I’ve done the work, I know where this fear comes from and where it originates - If I see you ask me, but be careful because I’ll tell you and in that discovery you may well come into contact with your own fear and get a glimpse of what you are or, maybe, what you ought to be. Exhilarating as that is it is also a very frightening experience because once it’s seen, you can’t unsee it and not overcoming your vulnerability and revealing what you’ve seen can drive a person to despair.
Maybe in the future as I receive those lovely words the voice in my head will just be still and know that I am.
Maybe now, or soon, I can learn the power of emptiness and to simply love and be loved.
If you are interested in having a conversation about what it is that is standing in your way and how it got to be there you’ll find a way to me. I’ll be waiting for you.
Thank you for the space in your day.
Kev.