Hello there
I trust this blog finds you well..
I had said that I would write honestly, openly and authentically to you with some things that I had found valuable.
Today’s email is one of those things. It has been something that, I myself, have worked hard at to integrate into my own life. To love and be loved.
I was discussing this concept with a client today and I find myself covering this idea with many of my clients, in relation to many areas of life; Relationships, business, self-acceptance and self-concept.
The majority of my clients, like you I’m sure, find the first part of the statement ‘To love and be loved’ easy. They say that it is easy to love their partners, children, colleagues and friends etc. To be clear I’m speaking of a love that allows you extend gratitude to or to support and encourage or to be compassionate to another.
When asked ‘Can you allow yourself to be loved?’ I can see the discomfort on the faces of my clients – many of us struggle to allow ourselves to ‘be loved’. How often have you heard yourself deflect a compliment or felt yourself squirm when a friend or colleague has offered some kind words?
‘I love your new handbag, its lovely!’
‘Awk, this, it’s from TK Maxx, it was only a tenner!’
Or ‘You are so kind and thoughtful, thank you for doing that for me’
‘Ah, you should see me on my off days, you couldn’t look at me!
When we deflect these kind words we are doing two things, firstly we are judging ourselves as not worthy of the gesture and this has, more than likely, got to do with how we were conditioned to deal with displays of affection when we were much younger and have adapted our behaviour to suit. The more we do this, the more we reinforce the idea that we are not worthy – it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. And secondly, we are not permitting the other person to freely witness their own expression of love. I’m sure you can bring to mind someone who lives in a ‘victim mind-set’ and cannot accept praise or compliment.
When we don’t allow ourselves to accept this ‘gift’ of love from another we immediately kill off that positive energy that was intended in the gesture. The other person feels a bit awkward and stupid and often tries to convince you of your worth to them.
The easy way to teach yourself to accept this offering of love is to simply say ‘Thank you’ that’s it, just ‘Thank you’
‘I love your new handbag, its lovely!’
‘Thank you’
Or ‘You are so kind and thoughtful, thank you for doing that for me’
‘Thank you’
When we are mindful enough to be present in the moment and stop ourselves from batting away the kind words and instead saying ‘thank you’ it becomes a beautiful moment, a shared moment, you can literally feel the energy exchange in the moment.
Why don’t you try it over the next few days and see what changes for you and notice how the other person reacts too, rest assured they will enjoy the giving more! You really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I’d love to hear how you get on with this, feel free to drop me a line.
Love and be loved.
Kev.
PS I’ve written a little blog about our Haven retreat in the Spring where we will be learning more about how to love and be loved. You can read the blog here